He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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