I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
