There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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