i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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