i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
