so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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