i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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