She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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