if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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