You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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