On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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