I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
