What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
