Please, let me fuck your mom
Your dad touched me again.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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