dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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