I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
