Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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