I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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