Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
