Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Randomize
