I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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