brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
