My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
