How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
