U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
