I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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