Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
