just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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