I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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