My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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