all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
