JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
