i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
