guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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