I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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