After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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