That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
