Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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