probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
