sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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