pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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