I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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