guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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