Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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