Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
