Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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