totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
