did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
