my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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