Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
im six kinds of drunk right now
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Randomize
