so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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