Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
