You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
